Universal discontent with Tory government triggers intergalactic referendum

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England to go from infinity to beyond.

As the pound reaches its lowest value since 1985, and Moody’s lower our credit ratings yet again, many Remain campaigners are saying stuff like “There goes the neighbourhood and the economy.” However, those in the Out camp announce they are pushing for a new referendum next year. The slogan “We’re takin’ our earth back” trended across all social media platforms yesterday and today. The Leave campaigners are gathering momentum again. They claim that it’s only by exiting the universe that we will make things better, redistribute wealth and power, have social justice and stop Tories from being Tories. They say that maybe we will even get some of them to resign and prevent other people from doing stupid things in England. However, the campaign has already gained support from some Tory MPs.

Meanwhile England First launched a petition in the wake of the EU referendum to ask the government to immediately deport all of the “Macks” in England. The far-right organisation have called for anyone with “Mc” , “Mac” or “Mack” in their surname and those who like haggis and tossing their cabers in public to be sent home.

Dickie Richardhead the foreign affairs spokesperson for England First said: “Quite properly so. They come over here wearing kilts and swinging their big sporruns at our weddings and it ain’t on. It’s unhygienic because they don’t wear any underpants. English culture and Calvin Kleins in english churches, that’s what I say. It’s about time we put them out of our misery.” 

Due to a slightly catastrophic typo on the petition, however, the government have subsequently agreed to deport everyone from Sunderland. A spokesperson for England First said that predictive text was to blame, and added: “Bugger, Mackems make up half of our membership.”  

A statement released yesterday from the E exit campaign said: “The universe’s powers that be are also do-gooders, screaming virtue signallers, bloody Guardian readers and wishy washy liberals. And multicultural. They’re all the same, which is probably self-serving, out of touch, anti-democratic and like, really disempowering for England. 

It’s not even the case that they were democratically elected and we don’t get a say in how things are run. It’s a diabolical bloody mystery, in fact. No-one seems to know what happened before the big bang for example, but we demand accountability and transparency. We deserve justifications for our existence, we deserve answers about all of that dark matter stuff and about gravity and we will demand that democratic right for english citizens from our english government. 

Being in the universe costs us billions of pounds every year. The universe imposes laws on us that we don’t want, like the second law of thermodynamics. English laws for english people is what I say. It’s about time the imposed restrictions on the speed of light were lifted, too. And vacuum cleaners. And banannas.

Then there’s the millions of illegal invisible aliens who sneak through space wormholes to swamp our country’s public services, take our houses and women. And they steal our jobs. They persuade employers to pay them much less than us because they just don’t care, they really like being poor and exploited by the capital class, even though they know that means we will end up getting less wages too. And they don’t speak any english. 

We also disagree with the moon, it wasn’t in any manifesto, we didn’t vote for it, it ain’t democratic and we will definitely organise a protest and vote against it. A scientist once tried to con us all, saying the moon disappears when you look away, but we know he’s a bloody liar, because it would take everyone’s willpower not to look at it to make it go away. That’s just a fob-off because no-one has that much willpower or attention span these days. Quantum physics proves it. Sod’s law, isn’t it? 

We have to have our sovereignty, the queen and the final say in our own laws, our own cultural identity and whatnot. English things for english people, that’s what we say. Though we don’t like them much, some of the left-wing E exiters say that a universe exit could topple the government, well, it might, anyway, and it will definitely let ’em know what we think, as we are very angry with just about everything except England, which is great. The government should all resign and go off with their power, money, raunchy birds, big houses, chums and additional leisure time to really think about what they’ve done, I say make them suffer, that’s the best punishment for ’em. 

So we want the new referendum to be held next year.” 

The Remain campaigners have already started a fresh crusade of scaremongering, claiming that if we left the universe, we would all die a horrible death.

But the opposition say “We know they are just telling fibs, representing bankers, private tycoons and that this is an elitist agenda. No-one really knows for certain what would happen if we left, many Conservative MPs have reassured us that we will still negotiate and strike up robust trading deals in the nothingness.”

We should all have faith that England will be great again. There’s nothing like a good protest vote to give the Establishment two fingers.

black-hole-1
A feeding black hole (quasar). The ultimate Brexit and E exit plan involves passing through the accretion disc, sneaking past the event horizon and then going through an economic process of spaghettification through the eye of an subatomic sized needle. 

You know, it could work...

I got this response on Facebook:-

Joan Dematas:  No. Your wrong. The referendum is over. Period. Who announced a referendum?

 


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11 thoughts on “Universal discontent with Tory government triggers intergalactic referendum

  1. I honestly think if they try to manufacture consent for a new referendum People will Take to the Streets!
    I also believe they will try….. so Im ready.
    If they do. then any resemblance of Democracy in our land is a Flucking Joke. And taking it back is a fight worth fighting for.

    Like

  2. Satire at its best.

    In this dark time, this has made me laugh because it is so true in the bigoted and ignorant world of the likes of England First

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Even Britain First is shrinking 😉

      Facetiousness is a favoured coping/defence strategy of mine. Satire is sometimes sublimation of disbelief, horror and pain, though sublimating is rather like putting an ocean onto a teaspoon.

      I’m not remotely talented at writing satire, I wrote this one mostly for myself, I think

      Like

  3. Saw a comment on Brexitphysics yesterday ‘No matter can be created or destroyed unless we put it on a bus and we definitely didn’t mean it”

    The earth is also flat and appears to belong to a sulking, raging monster that spouts gangrenous illusions and feeds on logic, anger, helplessness and the will power of people who think they taken the country back. Meanwhile traders and media magnets revel in the lies and turmoil and make even more money!

    Liked by 1 person

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